New Relationship Energy: Thrills and Spills

Our panel discusses new relationship energy–the fantastic feeling when you’re just starting to date and getting to know someone. What happens when it fades? Can it be addictive? We cover all the bases.

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In this episode:

• Elmo Painter-Edington - Somatic therapist and empowerment coach
• Tazima Parris - Sex coach and pleasure mentor
• Erica Washington - Sex-positive holistic mental health therapist

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Transcript

Erica Washington  0:00  
So if you find yourself constantly chasing NRE, you know, that's kind of akin to having an addiction, right? Because you are constantly chasing that high. Most of the time when we're chasing an addiction or something like that, it's because something is either lacking you know, in our lives or we're in pain in some sort of way. And this is a way to escape that pain and cover it up. 

Karen Yates  0:28  
Welcome to Wild & Sublime, a sexy spin on infotainment, no matter your preferences, orientation, or relationship style. Based on the popular live Chicago show, I chat about sex and relationships with citizens from the world of sex positivity. You'll hear meaningful conversations, dialogues that go deeper, and information that can help you become more free in your sexual expression. I'm sex educator and intimacy coach Karen Yates. This week, our panel discusses new relationship energy, fizzy fun or intoxicating oblivion? Keep listening. 

If you'll be in Chicago, Thursday, June 15, come to the Hungry Brain for our Pride Edition show, guest hosted by Matthew Amador. We'll have interviews, panels, entertainment and more. The link to tickets is in the show notes or go to wild & sublime.com. 

Hey folks, oh new relationship energy or NRE! We love how it feels. But when you come down from it, it can be rough. How do you transition from NRE to being in a relationship long term? What can NRE hide? Can it be addicting? These are some of the things we will be discussing today with some Wild & Sublime reoccurring guests. Sex positive, holistic mental health therapist Erica Washington, sex coach and pleasure mentor, Tazima Parris, and somatic therapist and empowerment coach Elmo Painter-Eddington. And since this was recorded before we began doing land acknowledgments I want to say that Tazima, Erica and myself, were recording from the unceded lands of the Council of three fires, the Ojibwe, Odawa and Potawatomi nations, among many others, colonially known as Chicago, and Elmo was recording from the lands of the Peoria Potawatomi, Miami, Ho Chunk and Kickapoo nations colonially known as Racine, Wisconsin. And now for the episode. Enjoy. 

[to panelists] And the question is, "can the panel talk a bit about NRE--new relationship energy? I feel like I can't make the transition out of that into long term relationship energy, if there is even a term for that. What I mean is that at the six to nine month mark, relationships stall out for me, I don't think I'm chasing NRE, but would love thoughts on the transition moments out of it. Signed, If it glitters Is it gold. So who would like to jump in first. Erica?

Erica Washington  3:17  
So new relationship energy is literally like the honeymoon phase wrapped in a new package. Every relationship, whether it is platonic, whether it is romantic, goes through this phase of new relationship energy. You're getting to know the person so you're putting your best foot forward, right? So everybody is making themselves look the prettiest. They are trying to show that they are like, spontaneous and fun, and things like that. They do everything they can to look good. And so because we get into this honeymoon phase, we overlook like pretty much everything. We kind of have those rose-colored glasses on a lot. We overlook the negative things that we might see that might be red flags, and we say "Oh, it'll get better down the line. We're just getting to know each other, maybe I'm just you know, making too much of a big deal of it." And so that's what kind of happens during that phase. I won't say that there is a specific time period, but that person may be experiencing six to nine months being that timeframe. And it's like being on a high so they kind of are chasing a high. You know, that high of being in this new relationship. Our stomachs are, you know, fluttering with butterflies and everything just feels great and looks great and smells and sounds great. And once that's done and the real work starts, now it's like, oh, okay, this is not quite what I was looking for. And I kind of sort of blame movies. [laughs] Media, that kind of thing, honestly, because this is what we have been shown what love is supposed to be. And then once that's gone, now it's like, oh, we have to rekindle this flame. Well, the real work of a relationship is we know what each other needs and wants and we take the time to find that out. And everything isn't pretty. Everything isn't fun. Everything isn't happy all the time. And so when it gets to that point, and there's more conflict, now, all of a sudden, everything is stale, and everything kind of fizzles out. I know, part of the question was like, How do I like, get around this? And it's not that you won't go through the honeymoon phase, and you'll go through it. But if you go through it knowing your needs and wants, you'll be able to find those red flags. If you go in  knowing your worth, you'll be able to say, You know what, hey, I have to put this boundary up, because this isn't cool. So that's my take on it. 

Karen Yates  6:03  
Great. Yeah. And Tazima, did you have a thought? 

Tazima Parris  6:05  
I do! Yes, yes to all of that. And our brains really love novelty. That's a thing, it's a real thing, we just really got to own that. We love something new. That's there's nothing wrong with that. There's actually nothing wrong with NRE or new relationship energy. It's actually our brain seeking novelty, because this is a cool new person, whether it's platonic or romantic, it's interesting to meet new people. So there's no need to shame yourself for that. One thing that I have noticed, both in my practice and in my own life is that NRE or new relationship, energy is unsustainable for the long haul. Even if it's really fun, you can't stay up that high all the time, like you get exhausted of it. And due to the movies, and the narratives that we have, there is a higher value placed on that energy than is on that companionate love, where you're actually, you're a team with that person, or you've created agreements, or you're... you have a particular kind of a mission, do you have a purpose to the relationship where you've established that over time? those kinds of things that is not as sexy, [laughs] and it doesn't sell as well. So we don't get to see that, really, the agreements and the negotiations that go into creating that companionate, which is the next phase after new relationship that you can get to if you consciously work toward that. And it takes conscious work to get to that place. And you must be willing to reveal the needs and desires that you have, and to be responsible enough so that it doesn't become transactional. So the more that you can agree--like this is how I want to operate, this is how I want to feel, these are the things that I need--you may not be able to provide those things. This is adult, this is an adult relationship, you may not be able to provide those things, but I need those things in my life. So I'm going to get them either from you or I can see if I can get them from other kinds of relationships. Or if you happen to be in a non monogamous, ethically non monogamous situation, you might be able to get some of those things from other people with whom you're involved. But this is like the grown-up version of relationship. Again, there's nothing wrong with new relationship energy, all of us experience something like that. Our brains love that thing. 

And there's no shame in it, it's just about realizing that one, it's unsustainable. And two, there is something that you're going to grow into once that sort of is over. And it doesn't always have to be red flags. It can literally mean "Oh, you don't want the same things out of life that I do. And so let's talk about what our purpose is." Or if something changes majorly. Like, for example, if someone has an illness or an injury, or something doesn't work out, or someone doesn't get the job or they're fired from the job or you can't have kids or you do have kids and it's unexpected, so when things change all relationships need a new set of agreements. You got to check in with the agreements: Is everything still working? So as a skill to move not only from NRE to, you know, companionate to forever and ever, or whatever, wherever you're headed, it's really a good idea to check in with your partner or partners. About what do you need now? Updates are always great. And it's up to you to figure out what do I need now? Is something shifting for me? Is something changing for me? And then as you stay as current as possible, guess what? Some of the novelty comes back because, guess what, new stuff is happening. And so you can ride with the new things that are happening even though you're six, nine, twelve, eighteen months in, three years, and 50 years, and you can find something new because we're all really interesting evolving emerging humans if we're living consciously, and so there's always something new to discover. It's just about our consciousness and how we're coming to the relationship.

Karen Yates  10:28  
Yeah, Elmo, what do you have to say?

Elmo Painter-Edington  10:29  
Yes. Speaking of newlywed energy, so it's I mean, so I'm, there's that novelty, right? So I've been with my partner for four and a half years, but we just got married last week. So I'm, like, jacked up because we're married now. And you know, there's this newness to our relationship,

Karen Yates  10:49  
You were able to get something... something happened? So like, I mean, I'm interested in this. So you were able to like revive the NRE, with the marriage.

Elmo Painter-Edington  10:58  
Yeah. And I think what we do, and I guess I'll just go subjective with this one, we are really intentional about gratitude, like curiosity, and openness and gratitude with each other and always approaching each other with love and wanting to understand. And with this intentionality of growing together, like knowing that if one person grows, that's like new stuff that you get to learn about that person, exactly what Tazima was saying that there's, there's always something new, because we're always evolving. And then I think with the new relationship energy, it's beautiful. And it's this gorgeous high. And it's really important to know, if you're, if you want something to build into that companionate energy, it's really important to know your values and what you want in a relationship, whatever kind of relationship that is, if you want like a life partner, or just kind of a lover or a romantic friendship or platonic friendship, like knowing what kind of person you want to be in relationship with. And then when you're having that new relationship energy, you can have those feelings and also be like looking at kind of this person's values. Are they... are they treating you the way that you want to be treated? Long term? Are they exactly like Erica was saying, like, knowing your boundaries, being able to have that new relationship energy and be setting boundaries at the same time is hugely important. And that is going to build into that more companionate love that's more long term and long lasting.

Karen Yates  12:39  
Yeah, I love that you tied in again with what Erica said, because I think that that is the critical piece of it, knowing yourself and knowing what you want. And it doesn't even matter if it's, well, I don't want a long term, committed long term relationship or monogamous committed. It's just like, knowing what am I looking for? But more importantly, knowing myself well enough, right? That's when something starts to happen, instead of pushing it away, moving toward it with curiosity, how do you move in to relationship with someone, even if they are doing things that you're not cool with? 

Tazima Parris  13:15  
Also, the thing that we've been saying about like desires and what do you need? And what are you looking for? I really encourage people to front load that stuff. So don't wait till it's six months. And then you're like, what are we doing here? Like no, like this is not survey time at six months. Like you're not "Oh, well, what do you want?" And then maybe I can mold myself to kind of look like that thing that you just described. Please don't do that. Please run.{they laugh] You don't even really have a question! You actually have a statement! [laughs]

Karen Yates  13:59  
I was thinking of like some 1970s toy that was like a gummy gummy. Like or a bendy toy. How can you bend? Errr [laughs]

Tazima Parris  14:11  
It looks like what you just said. "And I want to also as I share frontload the information that you desire!" No, it's totally vulnerable to say that first. And one of my mentors used to say whoever gets vulnerable first, wins in the relationship. And I, in my life, it has held true that even though it's scary to be as vulnerable as it takes being to tell the truth about a real, heartfelt desire--something that actually matters to you--is an extremely vulnerable thing. It takes courage to do it. And I encourage you to do that so that you might just get it. You can ask and you might just get it or you can ask and you can find out this is is not the partner who can actually provide that experience with me or participate in such activities with me. So guess what, if you front load it, you get the information faster. And then you waste less time? Because it's already out there.

Right. 

Erica Washington  14:42  
Yeah, another thing that a lot of people don't do anymore is date. They like talk to somebody for a little bit, and then they're like, full on in the relationship. And then they move in together. So it's like, you know, you don't get that time. Like she was saying, like, you should front load it. But that's also a part of dating, right? You should be having these conversations about what you want out of life. What does your trajectory even look like? Like she said, Do you even want kids? You know, are you an animal person? Do you clean up on a regular basis? Or, you know, are you a messy person? And none of that is a deal breaker or anything like that. But those are things that people need to know. Because if it is a deal breaker for you, then you should know that at the beginning of the relationship, and not after now you've spent, you know, six to nine months, being in a relationship with someone and now it's like, oh, yeah, no, I can't deal with that. So now, you're trying to figure out how do I stay in this relationship? How do I rekindle whatever. And there's so many deal breakers here and there. So this needs to be where we go back to dating, and go back to having deep conversations very early on, so that we know this is going here and like, yes, I want to be in a long term relationship. No, I'm just looking for, you know, a sexual partner or I'm not monogamous. I'm in a part of the non monogamous culture, that kind of thing. Like these things all need to be discussed upfront before we're ready to move beyond new relationship energy. And so that's my, you know, advice, bring back dating. You know, take your time. 

Karen Yates  17:12  
Yeah, I would agree. And I love what you just said about these various data points of like, do you like animals? I mean, as a dog owner, this is kind of critical. Like if a person does not like animals. That's like, Oh, wow. Deal Breaker. Basically, deal breaker.

Tazima Parris  17:31  
It's a good thing we're friends, Karen. [laughs] Totally not an animal person. So me and you mmm-nnnnn. [all laugh]

Karen Yates  17:42  
As a friend, I accept you and love you unconditionally--as friends. We can never be lovers. Period. [laughs] Only if we go to your place.

Tazima Parris  17:58  
And bring a lint roller!

Elmo Painter-Edington  18:05  
What a beautiful negotiation that just happened right? 

Karen Yates  18:10  
We're frontloading everything. Then we can talk about whether we even compatible as lovers. [all laugh]

[to listeners] We will return to our conversation in a moment. Everybody's looking for new ways to liven up things in the bedroom. How about starting with the words you use? Download my free publication say it better in bed. Three Proven Ways to Improve intimate communication, learn effective things to say and do that will be a game changer. I guarantee it. Go to the show notes or Karen-Yates.com to download your FREE guide. 

Now back to our conversation on NRE where we discuss the darker side of this energy. Enjoy. 

[to panelists] You know, Tazima, you are emphatic that NRE is pretty much hardwired into us, like we WILL have a reaction. You can never get away from it. Like is there a way to move into a relationship without NRE?

Tazima Parris  19:15  
Oh, I'm so glad you asked that. Okay. Because that then I get to talk about level 10 attraction. NRE is most severe when you are level 10 attracted to someone. Eight to 10-- if they're in the eight to 10 category guaranteed high levels of NRE--you're gonna have it and NRE is great for one nightstands. So level 10, eight to 10 attraction. And of course it's subjective but if you're really super attracted to someone, if they're over an eight, you're going to have a lot of NRE and the unfortunate part about that is that while it feels good to our bodies and our systems, especially in the beginning, it can be really harsh and difficult because when we're that attracted to someone, we will kind of erode our own standards in order to hang out with them in order to be with them. "Oh, yeah, white dog hair on my black couch is great!!" [laughs] I'm okay with that. I can just vacuum that! [laughs] Karen is just so hot. So

Karen Yates  20:27  
[laughs] I'm gonna put up with her gorgeous white husky!

Tazima Parris  20:37  
The dog is gorgeous, but you know. So that's one piece of it. And so I really do encourage people, because I encourage, especially for people who are looking for long-term committed situations, to look for sobriety in your dating, because eight to 10 is drunk. It's intoxicating, literally. And we like to be... humans like to be intoxicated in one way or another, we all pick our poisons. And there's, again, there's nothing wrong with it. This is the way we're right. So we there's no shame in it, just knowing what it is. So level, six, seven, you have to be like not nauseated by them. So six, seven you can be, you can be like meh. Meh is also not enough for you to like push through a challenge. But like seven, six, seven. 6.57 is a good sweet spot. So you can be sober about it, and you're attracted enough to continue. And then there's an opportunity with the negotiations with knowing what you want with front loading your desires, having those conversations, finding out if they're a neat freak or a messy person. And if that matches you, you can do that with sobriety. And then cultivate level 10 intimacy, level 10 connection, level 10 passion, you can always build that stuff. But if you're not sober going into it, you won't even be able to take a stand for what you need. Because the attraction is so high and it wipes out your ability to stand for what you need.

Elmo Painter-Edington  22:13  
Yeah, yeah, just like you wouldn't make important choices when you're shit-faced. That's exactly, exactly it. Yeah. Yeah, cuz we're making decisions. And we're, we're not sober when we're in that that high level of NRE.

Karen Yates  22:38  
Yeah, it's really interesting. I mean, that's, I think that's what I was getting at earlier. Can we get out of it simply because being in recovery myself, you know, from various addictions? I always really even though I mean, who doesn't love NRE, right? I mean, who doesn't like that amazing feeling? I'm always a little suspicious. I'm like, oh, man, something. Like, push away the drink. So it's really interesting hearing you frame it that way Tazima. So, Elmo, I have a question. I noticed a lot. And this is a, of course for conversation for us all. I do see in poly relationships. And I'm wondering if you all have some experience in clients, perhaps yourself, around, you know, once they've established their maybe primary relationship, and then are kind of expanding outward? There's a chasing of the NRE with various partners, and there's a cycling through. I mean, this doesn't happen with everyone. But can you speak to that, Elmo? Have you seen this among clients or in your life in general with folks? And what's that about? And what would you say to that?

Elmo Painter-Edington  23:47  
Yeah, so there is a possibility of this, like, chasing the dragon type thing like, oh, polyamory is a thing. Now I can do that. I never have to stop chasing this NRE, these feelings of this like new relationship stuff. And that can be what someone does. I mean, like that can be like what you do. To me, that sounds exhausting to my nervous system. But for some folks like that kind of wavelength is totally operational. It kind of depends on how it's impacting the rest of your relationships, the rest of your life, you know, your work. You're just like looking out for. Is this negatively impacting your relationships? Are you able to meet the needs of the other loved ones in your life? Are you able to meet your own needs? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you getting your work done? Are you like handling your responsibilities? Or are you kind of escaping into this energy? Yeah, just some stuff to examine because, like Tazima said, this NRE is beautiful. It's great. And you know, we love it. And you know, just as with anything else, finding that balance.

Erica Washington  25:03  
If you find yourself constantly chasing NRE, you know, that's kind of akin to having an addiction, right? Because you are constantly chasing that high, right? Most of the time when we're chasing an addiction or something like that is because something is either lacking, you know, in our lives, or we're in pain in some sort of way. And this is a way to escape that pain and cover it up. So what is it that you need to ask yourself about? Like, why are you constantly chasing this NRE? Why is it that you feel as though that is the only way that you can be in a relationship? I was speaking to my son one day, and we were talking about relationships, and he was saying that, you know, our relationships need to have toxicity. And I was like, "What?! No, where did you get that from?" Right? And it was this like thought process that like, "if it's toxic, then you know, you have the bad stuff. And then you can create the good stuff to get back into, you know, this lovey dovey space." And I was like, "No, oh, no, like, let's not do that, because that's not healthy." Like we have to be that feeling, like you have to be in some sort of like toxicity, so that you can then chase that high of getting back together and making up and everything is okay and great again, and we're back into their honeymoon phase. And so you can find yourself doing toxic stuff, or detrimental things because you are chasing that NRE. And so you really need to make sure that if you find that that is like a constant thing, that you go and talk to someone about, like what could be going on in the background that's making it so pervasive a need. I would just say, you know, for you to constantly chase that NRE there's something there, there's something going on, and you definitely need to talk to someone who can professionally guide you to that.

Karen Yates  27:09  
For more information on Erica, Tazima, and Elmo go to our show notes or wildandsublime.com, where you can find a transcript of this episode and all the episodes, cool merchandise, and sex resources. 

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