Communication in bed—what's going on??

Do you want to express yourself better in bed? Sex educator and host Karen Yates explains what might be getting in the way  (a lot!) and offers solutions in this solo episode.

In this episode:

• Betty Martin - Wheel of Consent
• Karen’s interview with Betty Martin
• Buy The Art of Receiving and Giving on Bookshop, our affiliate partner. Need a good read on sexuality or relationships? Check out our recs on Bookshop!
• Get Say It Better in Bed, Karen’s free guide to upping your intimacy pleasure. Download here!

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Prefer to read the convo? Full episode transcripts are available on our website.

Transcript

Karen Yates  0:02  
When I ask people to sit within their bodies for as long as it takes to locate an impulse or desire to ask their partner to engage around, many people become uncomfortable. 

Karen Yates  0:18  
Welcome to Wild & Sublime a sexy spin on infotainment, no matter your preferences, orientation or relationship style. Based on the popular live Chicago show I chat about sex and relationships with citizens from the world of sex positivity and comedy. You'll hear meaningful conversations, dialogues that go deeper, and information that can help you become more free in your sexual expression. I'm sex educator Karen Yates. Our monthly patreon supporters pay for a large part of our operating expenses. Their contributions from $5 on up help us big time. Plus members get discounts on show tickets and merch and receive Wild & Sublime news before anyone else and more interested in helping us spread the message of sex positivity, go to patreon.com/Wildand Sublime. 

Karen Yates  1:15  
Hey folks, welcome welcome. Before we begin today, I want to say that we are recording on the tribal lands of the Council of three fires the Ojibwe, the Adawa, and the Potawatomi Nations also known colonially as Chicago. 

Karen Yates  1:32  
So I have worked several years as a somatic intimacy coach for couples. Somatic means from within the body or feeling the body from within. And what somatic couples coaching looks like is that I watch couples fully clothed as they sit on a mat and engage each other in consensual touch, each person takes a turn to ask for the touch they want to receive or the touch they want to give the receiver of the request is given full autonomy to reject the offer or suggest an amendment slowing down all these movements, these requests to touch or be touched, tends to elicit aha moments. Now a lot of this work comes from the work of Dr. Betty Martin, who I've had on this show. And you can get the link to my interview with her in the show notes. 

Karen Yates  2:23  
I'd like to tell you what I have observed when working with people, almost everyone is in their heads. And the narrative inside people's heads goes something like this. "Is it weird that out of all the things I could do or want in this moment that I want this particular thing?" "What will you think of me if I want to do this particular thing? Will you think I'm a jerk? Will you think that I'm weird?" "What will you think of me if I don't want to do what you want to do? Will you think I'm a jerk? Will you be upset? Will you think I'm throwing up a roadblock to your pleasure or desire?" "I'm going to suggest something that I think you want rather than something I really want because I don't know what I want or I'm afraid of asking you for it."

Karen Yates  3:11  
When I ask people to sit within their bodies for as long as it takes to locate an impulse or desire to ask their partner to engage around many people become uncomfortable, they truncate the moment and say they want a shoulder rub or that they'd like to give their partner a shoulder rub. Anticipating, again, as I just mentioned, what they think their partner wants. But probably the biggest inner speech of all is this "I don't have a clue how I want to be touched, or how I want to touch my partner." Now why is this? First: I'd say that we many of us lead a disembodied life or on screens or in chairs most of the day, or we are engaged in repetitive actions within work structures that value speed structures that prefer that people engage like machines, or we are placed in situations where for our emotional safety, and here I'm talking about first responders we need to disassociate from the situations we're in. Second: When it comes to sex or kink. We have been trained through culture to embrace gender stereotypes as they relate to ourselves and our partners. certain genders prefer certain types of touch right? Third: and related to number two, the porn and entertainment industries create images that can both stoke arousal and jam our natural bodily signals around what we really want. And fourth: sexual and childhood trauma can lead us to being divorced from our desires because it's too scary. 

Karen Yates  5:01  
When we work slowly, within a somatic framework, the body's natural impulses arise; they become trustworthy. Going straight to the body for information helps bypass cultural messages. And this is when consent becomes a very important tool. When we can truly listen to ourselves, we can negotiate requests from partners, and partners can begin to trust our yeses and our nose. And on the other side, when we have consent in place, we never have to worry if we are overstepping a boundary with our partner, because the partner has full agency to say yes or no or to amend that request, then counter with another action that falls within the partners abilities or boundaries. So how do you work with these concepts at home? I suggest getting Betty Martin's book "The Art of receiving and giving" and the link is in the show notes. There are many helpful exercises in there. Another suggestion is to enter into any partner engagement in the bedroom in a relaxed state fully present, agree to dialogue, and explore. Does your partner want more of this or less of that? Can you communicate more about the touch you are receiving? Many couples do not have active communication while they are in bed with one another. And this leads to mind reading and resentments. 

Karen Yates  6:37  
The key is to begin to try different low pressure methods that elicit pleasure for both of you. And you might be interested that on the Wild & Sublime site, I have written a short free publication "How to Say it Better in Bed: three practical ways to improve intimate communication." You will get some good ideas, manageable ideas--easy to implement ideas, I promise you!-- that could enrich your sex life. And if you're currently without a partner, this publication will help you be a more sensitive and aware lover in the future. Go to wildandsublime.com to download this free guide. And you can check out the link to that in the show notes. 

Karen Yates  7:24  
Communication in bed does not have to be scary. It can open new and exciting doors to pleasure. Well that's it folks have a very pleasurable week. 

Karen Yates  7:41  
Wild & Sublime is supported in part by our sublime supporter Full Color Life Therapy, therapy for all of you at fullcolorlifetherapy.com 

Karen Yates  7:51  
Thank you for listening. Know someone who'd liked this episode, sent it to them. You can follow us on Facebook, tick tock and Instagram at Wild & Sublime and sign up for newsletters at Wild & sublime.com. Got feedback or an inquiry contact us at info at Wild & sublime.com And we'd love a review or a rating on your podcast player. I'd like to thank our design Guru Jean-François Gervais music by David Ben-Porat This episode was produced and edited at the Lincoln lodge podcast studio as part of the Lincoln Lodge Podcast Network.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai