Wild & Sublime
Wild & Sublime
Redefining sex for more pleasure and excitement
What’s keeping your sex life from being more exciting? Panelists discuss limiting beliefs and tips to move past them in this dynamic conversation. Plus Karen’s Sermon on the Pubic Mound. From the October 2024 live show.
Panel with:
- Sex coach and pleasure mentor Tazima Parris
- Therapist for all things queer and kinky Jake Penrod from Live Oak
- ENM/kink coach Sarah Sloane
- Host, sex educator, and energy worker Karen Yates
The main show sponsor of the October 2024 show was uberlübe, high-performance lubricant. Show sponsor was Rowan Tree Counseling, a therapy practice that is anti-racist | queer-allied | poly-affirming | sex-positive. Available in Illinois!
Get Say It Better in Bed, Karen’s free guide to upping your intimacy pleasure. Download here!
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Prefer to read the convo? Full episode transcripts are available on our website.
Wild & Sublime
Redefining Sex for more pleasure and excitement
Sarah Sloane:
I think I see a lot of people who are afraid of being vulnerable with what they really want, because they're afraid that they're going to be judged, but they're also afraid that they're going to be rejected or they're going to be disappointed. And I think for people who are in longer term relationships where you haven't had these conversations, there's so much pressure around being vulnerable.
Karen Yates:
Welcome to Wild & Sublime, a sexy spin on infotainment, no matter your preferences, orientation or relationship style,. Based on the popular live Chicago show, I chat about sex and relationships with citizens from the world of sex positivity and comedy, you’ll hear meaningful conversations, dialogs that go deeper, and information that can help you become more free in your sexual expression. I’m sex educator Karen Yates, our monthly patreon supporters pay for a large part of our operating expenses. Their contributions from $5 on up, help us big time. Plus members get discounts on show tickets and merch and receive wild and sublime news before anyone else and more interested in helping us spread the message of sex positivity. Go to patreon.com/wildand sublime.
Karen Yates:
Hey folks, wow we had such a fantastic conversation at our sixth anniversary live show in Chicago a few weeks ago. The entire lineup—storytellers, interview and panel were amazing, and I’ll be releasing all of it in the next month or two. And by the way, we are still planning on our next season, which will be a deep dive into next-level polyamory, but it went a bit off track with Hurricane Helene, as one of our interviewees was affected and without internet, but the polyamory series will be following the show episodes.
Back to the conversation we had live. Our panelists were tackling the subject of how do you redefine sex in order to have a more expansive sexual life, and they certainly went deep. You’ll get both tips AND a comprehensive understanding of the beliefs that hold us back in the bedroom and beyond. We’ll be talking about sex and kink and gender., followed by my Sermon on the Pubic Mound. Strap in!
This episode and the recording I’m doing now bh occurred on the land of the council of three fires, the Ojibwe, the Adowa and the Pottawatomi nations, colonially know as Chicago.
Enjoy the episode!
Karen Yates (to live audience)
All right, some introductions. On my right is sex coach and pleasure mentor, Tazima Parris, one of the on the very first show, the very first wild and sublime show back and better than ever.
Tazima Parris
I love it here
Karen Yates
We have Sarah Sloane, consensual nonmonogamy coach and kink coach, who was on several Wild & Sublime podcast episodes, and I'm very excited that they're coming back tonight. Yes! And Jake Penrod, therapist for everything queer and kinky.
Karen Yates
Alright, since--I'm going to throw some stats here--since we're talking tonight about redefining sex, first, what is the definition of sex? Among cis-gendered heterosexuals, most adults--and this was based on a recent study--consider penetrative acts like penis in vagina or penis in anus to be sex. According to another recent study on lgbq people--now note, trans folks were not polled--90% of gay and bi men considered insertive and receptive anal intercourse (or topping and bottoming) as definitely sex, but only a third were sure that things like oral, rimming, mutual masturbation, and insertion of dildos counted as real sex. Finally, in that same study, lesbians considered penetrative actions to be sex, but seemed to include a lot more acts to be sex like scissoring --genital rubbing-- oral sex and mutual masturbation. So how do you define sex?
Tazima Parris
I can jump in. For me. This just makes it easy for me is that I define sex as adult play, because any thing that you would have done when you were a young person, like being present, creative collaborative activities or by yourself, is playing. And so if we think about what adulting can be with sexuality, if we take a playful spin on it, it can it can be that it can be collaborative. It can be solo. It can be it can include a bunch of different things. It can include household items,
Karen Yates
Umbrella, anyone
Tazima Parris
Umbrella? So, yeah, adult play is how I would define it.
Karen Yates
Okay. Sarah?
Sarah Sloane
the way I define it now, after 25 years in the kink community, is I define sex as the exploration of erotic energy and pleasure.
Karen Yates
Ooh, say that again.
Sarah Sloane
The exploration of erotic energy and pleasure.
Karen Yates
Okay...Damn, that's good.
Tazima Parris
right?
Karen Yates
Okay, Jake, you're up.
Jacob Penrod
I love this question. I sometimes teach classes to therapists on like working in sex and kink and all the lovely things in the world. And I start with this question, and my definition is, sex is whatever gets you off, and it's purposely broad, and it's pleasure based, and then we get into like, what counts as getting off as well.
Karen Yates
All right, I love it. So we've got, we've got the playing field set up here. So let me ask you, you know, looking at these studies that I just read off about what is, definitively sex, these few acts. How does it impact our sexual and relational lives, especially in long term relationships, if we have like kind of, really, you know, hard categorizations of what sex is?
Sarah Sloane
As a person who is entering perimenopause and as a person whose body is not always at 100%, if I look at sex for myself as defined by those acts, then it disempowers me. It does not allow me to think about myself as a person who can experience pleasure, because I'm trying to map what pleasure is to this very rigid set of behaviors. So for me, that like, to me, that's the process of queering our understanding of sex, is taking it out of genitals, out of tab A inserted into slot B, and moving it into like, what is it like? What you were saying, what is it that actually gets you off? for your definition of getting off.
Karen Yates
Right. Yeah, yeah.
Tazima Parris
I want to, I want to hop right on after that so that I can, like, I really appreciate the ownership that it takes in order to do that. And I think what is often missing from sex in general, but especially as we get into longer term relationships, it's sort of like. Okay, what's the script? What do we do? And it becomes this practice of the same thing,
Karen Yates
yeah, calcified,
Tazima Parris
Yeah! And then it's the same thing, and there's nothing interesting, whereas if we take ownership and have some curiosity around well, what's happening? And to be fair, this body has never been this age, ever. I've never been here. I've never been... had this day. So why would I bring everything that I've had in the past to what's happening right now? So if we take, like, a presence and curiosity and what's happening now, and what are the conditions now and then, like, let's let's play. Let's do something together that might get us off like that. I think that opens up a bigger, way, bigger possibility of enjoyment.
Karen Yates
Yeah, Jake.
Jacob Penrod
And I think trying to limit sex to like, a set definition of like, it's tab slot A to tab E, all the things it's like, to me, it feels so riddled with guilt and shame. Either I'm not having sex and I should be, because I'm not doing these things, or, no, I didn't have sex. So therefore, I'm in the clear, we just masturbated together, but it's not this thing, so it's all wrapped in guilt and shame when we're trying to, like, define it so clearly.
Karen Yates
Yeah. So how you know...One of the things I'm kind of hearing everyone say is like centering pleasure. And what you know, this idea of what definitively is sex is very like heteronormative, very patriarchal, and in some regards, it kind of centers this like penis, penis-like dildo-like thing as the center of the activity, right? And the inserting this into, you know, something that it can be inserted into, but like moving and outside of that, and just centering pleasure, how does one-- if you're in a place where most of your life, or let's just say, a good decade--you've been in this like, this is definitively sex. PIV, PIA definitively sex. How do you begin moving out of that?
Jacob Penrod
One of the like go-to interventions in sex therapy is called sensate focus, and it centers---They call it sensual intercourse, as opposed to sexual intercourse, and it takes it very slow, like week by week, you just start --you and your partner --just touching each other and focusing on what it feels like to be touched, not just in your genitals. In fact, week one, it's no genitals and no breasts touching. Just what does it feel like to be touched on your arms, on your back, on your legs, and you slowly add it in and add it in. And to me that breaking it down like that, and slowly exploring beyond just what genitals are beyond just what breasts can be. For you that your whole body is a sexual organ can be a really powerful way of decentering penis and vagina sex, essentially,
Karen Yates
yeah, yeah. I know when I was when I saw couples as an intimacy coach, we did very much like that. It was about like really getting clear on what is pleasurable? What do I find pleasurable? But it becomes microscopic because the these cultural standards are bone deep. We are born into a system that does not center pleasure. It's really that simple, Sarah, you're gonna say...?
Sarah Sloane
Not only do we not center pleasure, we center orgasm, which does not necessarily mean pleasure when I'm working with so I do when I do private classes, I do a lot of times for couples who are trying to figure out, like, how does how might kink look for us? And one thing that I love to have them go do his homework is basically sex lab, and so they are. It's basically carving out sacred time an hour or two and laying down some ground rules that prevent you from falling into those scripts. So it's like, there will be no intercourse, there will be no masturbation. Orgasms are off the table, and each of you gets half of that time to give sensation and ask your partner how it feels, and the the other rule is at the end of that you walk away, you go out for dinner, you do whatever, but to create a space where the focus is specifically not on the script and opening ourselves up to what could it be like if we didn't have that to fall back on. Can sometimes just create so much creativity. Yeah, the limitations, yeah, it's it is amazing. What taking those things off the table can let you put on to it.
Tazima Parris
So part of in my practice, when I'm talking about pleasure, I talk about the full range of pleasure, so sexual, sensual, but also just other kinds of pleasure that are not sexual at all or beyond the bedroom. And I actually start with things that are lower stakes, that are non sexual, so that people can just explore what it's like giving themselves pleasure. In my practice, I often work with women who feel guilty about pleasure, just in. General. And so then sex feels really, really like high stakes. And so literally, just starting with what do you like? And then sometimes they have no idea what they like, but then I'm like, okay, find out what you like, and then make a list and give yourself those things. And then it takes the pressure off the other person to provide those things, by the way, without them having to say anything. Just also doesn't help but one getting a list of those things, being able to to share. Well, I like this thing, and I'm going to give this to myself, and then you get the benefit of supporting yourself with pleasure. This also magically helps my clients create boundaries for themselves, because they're like, Well, I like this, but I don't like that, and so this is outside of my preferences, and so I don't want to participate in that. And so being able to say no, being able to say yes, actually can be supported and even cultivated through a pursuit of pleasure, which is completely counterculture. And so they require a lot of support for that, because, also because pleasure is really vulnerable, because it's so personal, and so to be able to share, this is what I like. This is what I'm into. I'd like to explore more of this with you can feel extremely vulnerable, but if you're already conditioning yourself to receive more pleasure, then it's not as high as stakes, even when it's a sexual or sensual situation.
Karen Yates
Sarah, you mentioned queering sex, and so queering sex basically means moving outside of cultural norms and gender norms when it comes to expressing sexuality. And let's talk about gender norms even within like--And when I say gender norms, I mean even within same sex relationships. Let's open this up a little bit. How do gender norms affect sexuality?
Jacob Penrod
I mean, in gay men, you see a lot of like, Are you a top? Are you a bottom? And that's just like recreating heterosexuality, but with a penis, two penises involved. Lately in especially like more mainstream gay spaces, like Grindr, for instance, the vocabulary has expanded to include, are you a side? So I don't want to do penetrative sex. Maybe I'm just interested in oral sex or mutual masturbation or what have you, but it's really hard to break out of the paradigm of heteronormativity. For sure.
Sarah Sloane
Yeah, we pattern so much of even queer sex, on of mimicry of or a rejection of and reinvention of, and I feel like there's this big gap in the middle of, like, why are we treating sex as something that's responsive to heteronormativity, as opposed to taking sex totally out of it and saying, like, what is this when we are not and like, 54 years old, I was raised in the south. I know what sex is. I still have a tape in the back of my head that tells me, Oh, you're not enough of a person because penetration is uncomfortable or you don't want sex. And so it's an active rejection of that, and saying, like, I'm allowed to have whatever feels like sex to me, even if that is no sex.
Tazima Parris
One more piece of the like, sort of heteronormative sex acts in general, is this idea of commerce, and this for that. So there's a lot of that way. Yes, heavily on, you know, I've worked primarily with women. I do work with men and others as well, but, but women often have a lot of Association of Commerce. I give this for that, I need to hold this back so that until this person gives me enough that it's worth it, that I can put my pussy on the table. Like, what, what are we talking about? Like, what are you giving away or taking? Like, how do you lose virginity? I mean, it's, it's ridiculous. And so part of that, taking the commerce out of it is a huge way to move away from that heteronormative like script. And what are we doing together, making it more of a mutual, collaborative activity, rather than if you do this, then I'll do that, and then time and oz and all, and we all of that gets pushed to the side, and then you can just be together. And because of the tape that's in the back of our heads, it's very challenging to get out of that paradigm. So getting support is huge, or being in communities that are actively questioning these these things, are having these conversations, or listening to wild and sublime podcasts are ways to start breaking the rules and have more fun.
Karen Yates
So we're talking about like going. So setting up like like boundaries around space to explore differently limitations in order to explore and add creativity. Where does kink fit into redefining sex
Sarah Sloane
Yes and.
Karen Yates
Yes and?
Sarah Sloane
Yes and.
Karen Yates
All right.
Sarah Sloane
I think even for people who aren't necessarily specifically interested in kink, there are so many kink-centric practices that are not what people would think of when they think of kinky. It's like, no, you don't have to have a whip to have kink. But I think that taking lessons from what folks who negotiate for kinky play and looking at that as like, How can I find some pleasure out of these things in my life, you know? Is, is, you know, being restrained and tickled with a feather? You know, some people would think that's really kinky. Some people would think that's Tuesday, you know. So like, using those as like, is this something that maybe would be fun for us, rather than putting kink as like, this totally other thing that is, like, you know, gourmet sex or whatever,
Karen Yates
Right, right. Yeah.
Sarah Sloane
But it's, it's having that ownership of, you know, you're.. I was joking with my friend earlier, it's like going to Old Country Buffet, and everything is on the same table. All of it, nothing is there's not a lobster bar at Old Country Buffet, everything's on the table. And you can take from that buffet little tiny bits of anything you want and go back for seconds, or you can take a whole plate of mac and cheese. Doesn't matter. The buffet is there. It's all even it's all worthwhile. It's up to you to choose.
Karen Yates
Jake, you want to say something?
Jacob Penrod
One of the first experiences, maybe I should have put this in the prompt box, one of the first experiences I had that, like, really, like, expanded my definition of what sex could be, is I was hooking up with a guy who had a boot fetish, and to the point where our sex was just hanging out wearing boots. He gave me boots to wear, and we just, like, hung out, watched TV, he smoked a cigarette, and then at the end, I was like, are we good? Was...? "That was perfect! That's all I wanted." And that got him off. That was good for him, and that, like, really expanded my mind of like, Oh, I know a sex could be more than just this, but really can be, truly anything that gets you off cool.
Tazima Parris
What I appreciate about the kink space is the overt conversation about what might happen, what are the conditions, what is what do I want? What do you want? And how can we bring the our desires to fruition in a way that's mutually satisfying or satisfying for for at least one of us, and then partially for the other person, and then, like, let's negotiate for the rest, or whatever, but bringing into the conversation, overt discussion of what's possible and desire and all of that. And that is also another way that we're breaking these norms, because if you're going by the script and something doesn't work, then you're disappointed, whereas if you've already said, Well, I want this, this and this and this is off the table, then there's not, if there's an oops, then it's it's more obvious, whereas if you haven't discussed it at all, then that oops can go undetected, and then you know, bad experiences can occur. But I love that that kink is more of overt.
Karen Yates
And I love that you're saying this, because really it's it's fundamental to kink, and it's the silence in one's sex life. You know, if you've been with someone for a long time and you're doing the same thing over and over again, you're bored out of your skull, it's usually done in silence. There's a lot of assumptions that have built up over time, and there's no questioning of like, why are we doing it this way? You know, like, I want to do something different because there, there may be a communication issue as well. So what sort of mental impasses do people need to surmount to be in your estimations, all of you with the experience that you have working with folks, what do people what are the biggest things you see that people have in place that doesn't allow them to expand beyond?
Tazima Parris
Judgment. Judgment like that's the for me, that's the biggest thing, because it because and self judgment, other judgment, whatever, it doesn't matter. The point being like, sensation is just sensation, without the guilt and judgment. Like, does it produce sensation? Yes. Do I enjoy it? Yes or no, or a little, or whatever. But if you don't add the judgment, you can just be with the sensation. And that's really what what our sex and sexual sensuality, things that we're exploring, that's what it's about. We're wanting to give and receive sensation. But if we judge, that's a massive, massive wall that gets in the way.
Sarah Sloane
I got so into what you were saying, I forgot what I was going to say, which is good. I like that.
Tazima Parris
Did you get off though?
Sarah Sloane
I'm a slow burn. More to come.
Sarah Sloane
I think I see a lot of people who are afraid of being vulnerable with what they really want, because they're afraid that they're going to be judged, but they're also afraid that they're going to be rejected or they're going to be disappointed. And I think for people who are in longer term relationships where you haven't had these conversations, there's so much pressure around being vulnerable. The other piece of it is self esteem. Most of us have had times in our life where we did not believe that we were worthy of pleasure, we did not believe we were attractive, we did not believe that what we were doing was something that somebody else would want. And honestly, I think so much of this work is about owning the owning the fact that we as human beings are deserving of pleasure and that it is safe for us in hopefully, it's safe for you in relationships, but it's safe for us to also be vulnerable with ourselves and gentle and loving with exploring these parts of ourselves that maybe we thought were sticky and Oogie and meaty, or like, you know, like a romantic, well, I'm supposed to be having these feelings. You know, it's so much of that as an inside job, and that's the hardest part. If we can get it out of our mouths, 95% of time, we're good, if we can get it out of our mouths.
Karen Yates
Jake,
Jacob Penrod
in addition to everything that's been said, Absolutely, slowing down and just luxuriating in that pleasure, learning how to accept pleasure, there's a lot of judgment, there's a lot of shame, there's a lot of the idea of, like, hedonism gets a bad rap, especially in, like, a lot of religious trauma that I see. And so one my the cornerstone of my practice and helping people explore their sexuality is masturbation. And a question that I ask basically everyone is like, how long does it take you to masturbate? And if it's five minutes or less, sometimes you just gotta do that as like, a maintenance thing, sure. But like, can you take an hour? Can you take two hours and just enjoy yourself? And that can be really hard for some people to take the time.
Karen Yates
Yes, slowness, because all the feelings start coming up, all the feelings start coming up, and it gets very, very intense.
Sarah Sloane
Also, when you're taking longer, you're like, I'm sorry, the default for sex is the the running joke is that it's quick, right? Like, we used to make jokes about, like, how fast somebody would finish and and then, in comparison how slow it was for the other person. But would we take that speed out of it? Like that, like, oh, okay, maybe, maybe this isn't a 10 minute, you know, on Sunday nights, maybe this could be three hours on a Tuesday.
Karen Yates
Yeah, you know, it's interesting. I was reading this. I was, I was reading an article about, would you rather have a weekend of sex once a month, or mediocre sex, like, like, several times a week, you know?
Tazima Parris
weekend, weekend, immediately, weekend, right?
Karen Yates
I'm like, well, the weekend of course.
Sarah Sloane
I mean, mac and cheese is good, but sometimes you want something better. I mean, I would rather have,
Karen Yates
I don't know, I love mac and cheese.
Sarah Sloane
I mean, okay, sometimes you need to put bacon into the Mac,
Tazima Parris
You know, crispy stuff on top.
Sarah Sloane
Okay, you lost me there. Sorry,
Tazima Parris
I'm sorry I was sticking
Karen Yates
up sex and then crispy stuff. So as we're wrapping up here and PS, if you have questions and you can ask, you can send other questions for our August panel in the second half. That's what the paper is for as well as the prompts. But Jake, you gave this idea of going slow, that seems to be like a pretty great tip. What? Sarah and Tazima, what? What would be like a hot tip you would give folks just like one you, I mean, we've talked about a lot.
Tazima Parris
I like in one thing I wanted to mention about the kink is that is about extending sensation. So if you go straight in to spank someone really hard, you can't spank them for as long. So slowing down and like going light, whether doesn't. Have to be the spanking, but it can be other kinds of sensations, but like layering sensation and, you know, being curious, and not just because someone comes, maybe don't stop, maybe keep going. So layering and continuation would be my layering
Karen Yates
and continuation
Tazima Parris
dual tip,
Karen Yates
nice.
Sarah Sloane
Sometimes it's hard to be creative, especially if your your language or your your sexual lexicon, is kind of not you haven't had a chance to fully develop it. I really love sharing erotica because you can read something. If it's a couple, you can each get a color of post about flag, read an erotica book, highlight the ones that you like, bring that back to a conversation. What was it that was hot about what was happening here? And so it helps develop this kind of a way of talking about fantasies that is separate from and that you can you can say like, oh, I'm curious about this, and so it invites more vulnerability, but it also like, I, I've been doing this for a long time, I still get really good ideas out of erotica. There's some really good erotica out there, and it, it just gives people a way of creating words and ideas.
Karen Yates
Love it, Jake, do you want to add anything else?
Jacob Penrod
I mean that that is my go to thing is to share what turns you on, whether it be erotica or porn or whatever it is. And there can be a disconnect between what you want and fantasy and what do you want in reality, but be able to say, like, I think this idea, which I never want to do, but I think this is really hot, that itself can be super vulnerable but also super connected.
Karen Yates
Awesome. Yeah, little little bonus.
Tazima Parris
I love what you said about erotica, but like, you can also share your highlight reel after whatever activity you've done with with a partner or solo of like, oh, it's really hot when X, Y and Z occurred, or this thing, and then you get to re experience it with words again,
Karen Yates
maybe in an area where you're not near a bedroom, like just,
Tazima Parris
oh yeah.
Sarah Sloane
I mean, erotic energy can just be between the ears. It doesn't have to go anywhere else.
Jacob Penrod
Your brain is your primary sexual organ.
Tazima Parris
That's right.
Karen Yates
I just want to go to bed with you all.
Tazima Parris
Three hours on Tuesday.
Sarah Sloane
We'll do a Doodle.
Karen Yates
Oh, my God, thank you so much. Jacob Penrod, Sara Sloan and Tazima Parris. We'll see them in act two again. Thank you so much.
Karen Yates: [midroll to listener]
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Karen Yates
Let us bring the panel back on for the Q and A we have Tazima Parris, Jake Penrod and Sarah Sloane, all right, we have a lot of questions. "What recommendations would you make for a vanilla male to please a sub woman who wants to be psychologically topped?" What recommendations?
Sarah Sloane
I had that conversation with the person who asked that.
Karen Yates
Well, let us know what happened. What happened? Same art,
Sarah Sloane
I find that a lot of times when I have couples where one person really wants something, it can create a really difficult challenge for the other person, because there's a set of expectations, and especially for people that we've raised to be men in our culture, the way that they are told that it is okay to be a good partner is contrary to what many of them think of as kink. I experience way more cis men who come to the table saying, I don't want to hurt my partner, and they can't get over that, that thing. So what I encourage people to do is do that exploration separately from their partner, figure out what it means for them to be living in a space where they are taking that power that's being given to them and what that authentically would look like for them, and then have that conversation with their partner to figure out where on the Venn diagram, those desires overlap, but it we can inadvertently pressure our partners to do a thing in such a way that it actually harms the relationship. And so I see that being the big friction for a lot of folks. Okay,
Karen Yates
where should we straight, male and by female, go to pick up other couples in Chicago.
Karen Yates
I love that everyone sees this as like a pickup event like that tickles me. You're welcome.
Tazima Parris
I. I mean,
Sarah Sloane
what do you think I came here for?
Tazima Parris
Right? Seriously,
Karen Yates
We're all sleeping together. I guess it worked.
Tazima Parris
So I would, I would highly recommend there are things called munches. It's an event that for kinky or poly people or whatever kind of lifestyle stuff you are into, get together at a non sexual in a non sexual location, so that they can have, like, regular conversations and talk about all the stuff that you're into, and you can find people who are into the same things you are. So I would recommend kinks, munches, and depending on the activity that you're interested in, there are some clubs that that cater to various
Karen Yates
interests and activities, yeah, and if you go on on this thing called the internet, there is, there are a lot of swinging events in town, you know, run by various companies. I mean, you can go on FetLife and find like a hotel party, but you probably want to, it sounds like you might be into swinging. So there are swinging events all over town, yeah, all right. Is an armpit fascination? Real? Yes? Yes,
Tazima Parris
yes, get into it. Find someone who likes it.
Karen Yates
How do you navigate that with your nose?
Unknown Speaker
However you want.
Sarah Sloane
Don't wear deodorant. Don't wear deodorant. Trust me, get a mouthful of deodorant. It's not fun.
Tazima Parris
Oh, unless you're into it. Yeah,
Jacob Penrod
armpits are. There's a lot of, like, nerve endings and sensations and smells. So it's actually a super common thing for people to be into at least a little bit, if not, like, their main focus. So you're definitely not alone. Also
Tazima Parris
just biology. Humans, that's literally our signal. Why do you think you got armpit hair, pubic hair, so that it radiates that aroma, so that you can send out your signal to bring in, magnetize your ideal mate, like
Karen Yates
a buzzy bee.
Tazima Parris
It's true,
Karen Yates
"I was just breaking into the voyeurism scene in Chicago, pre pandemic, but now with the pandemic, I just don't see how that's feasible anymore. Any advice on how to connect and be spontaneous?"
Tazima Parris
I mean, I feel like it's the same ways that you would before the pandemic. I think everything is, I mean, from my observation, and I'm just me, but those activities are still out there. They may have shifted, but you and they might be fewer, depending on on the folks who are hosting. But yeah, keep trying the stuff that you tried before, with
Jacob Penrod
a mask on. Maybe, yeah,
Tazima Parris
perhaps,
Karen Yates
is this a situation? I mean, I don't know the intent of the voyeur in question, but is this a situation of like going to a party and watching
Tazima Parris
that'd be a really, really awesome and any kind of party, by the way, not just kinky party, but I mean voyeurism, depending on what what specifically you want to void. I Yeah, there's definitely stuff for you to see,
Sarah Sloane
depending on your interests and gender and orientation. There are also a lot of like in my leather community, we can go to a bar and cruise the back room and watch all kinds of shit. There you go. I think it's figuring out where the sexy people hang out in the community of your choice, and then follow them.
Karen Yates
"Truth talk. The G spot was," sorry," truth talk. The G spot was just recently a structure we started to understand. Anal is still a secret for most women, but I am interested in getting nasty. Tell me the secrets. What's the technique? Miming is encouraged."
Sarah Sloane
Anything that you can do in a front hole to get the g spot, you can do in the back hole to get the g spot. So if you're, if you're like a G Spot explorer with this and in the vagina, try a G Spot explorer like this in the butt. Alternatively, an enjoy curved butt plug provides an on ramp to the G spot when it's in the butt for vaginal penetration, so you can actually get more bang for your buck. Literally,
Tazima Parris
I feel compelled to make a public service announcement about the g spot.
Karen Yates
I don't even know where is she going.
Tazima Parris
Oh, to the G spot. FYI, the G spot is the back of the clitoris and. There are also multiple or sponges or erectile spaces. So there's the perineum, there's the perennial sponge, there is the urethral sponge, which is on the back of the clitoris, and all that whole complex is very sensational. So get into it. Like, don't just, like, I want to go right there. Like, not just, don't do that. Don't, please don't do that. Don't make that sound. Don't make that face,
Sarah Sloane
unless you're a sadist,
Tazima Parris
psychological sadist, and you're wanting to creep someone out, but and also different types of pressure to the G spot affected in different ways. So so you don't have to always go straight to it. You can slide across it. You can use a softer tool, a more a firm tool, and you want to listen and make sure that you have a good conversation with your partner about what feels good and what they're into, and that also the sensation may change and move. So it's slippery and tricky, and slippery and tricky.
Sarah Sloane
So enjoy the one thing I want to add is what you said earlier about slowness, the more you give that that erectile tissue time to get
Tazima Parris
right, 20 to 30 minutes, yeah,
Sarah Sloane
the the more pleasure and the easier it is to really be able to make it incredible. So like this is definitely slow is better.
Karen Yates
Any final thoughts,
Jacob Penrod
if you're exploring anal for yourself or your partner, make sure you use lube, and especially Uber lube.
Karen Yates
Go slow and
Tazima Parris
get feedback. Like, please the person on the receiving end of the anal please let them know if they need to slow down. You don't have to, like, prove anything.
Karen Yates
You don't you don't have to, like, be penetrated the first time out. That's like, kind of like, just know that. Or ever, ever. A lot of people
Sarah Sloane
who love anal play that, for a variety of reasons, cannot or do not want penetration. You got so much good stuff going on just on the outside. Oh
Karen Yates
my gosh, you can live
Sarah Sloane
there forever, if you want. Yes, a lot
Tazima Parris
of nerve endings.
Karen Yates
All right. Jake Penrod, Sarah Sloan, tazima Parris, thank you so much.
Karen Yates
We've come to the final moments. We've come to the Sermon on the pubic mound, my final summation speech. I just saw a great documentary The other night, and I encourage you to watch it. It's called will and Harper. It's on Netflix. Oh, yay. People have seen it. So if you haven't seen it, it is about the comic actor Will Ferrell and his friend, Harper, and will met Harper at Saturday Night Live when Harper was a man and a writer, and they became very good friends. And then years passed, and will received an email one day where his friend was expressing that he was now she and wanted to be called Harper. So Will Ferrell put this documentary together? Because the issue that Harper felt was she was so in love with America, part of the thing that really gave her joy was riding across America and hanging out in Honky Tonk bars and roadside diners and going to sporting events and getting to know locals, and she was worried that she couldn't do this anymore because she might get killed or seriously injured, which is the fate of many trans people now in America. And so what Will Ferrell decided to do was accompany Harper on this two week road trip that was filmed, and it's, at first, it's kind of manufactured. When you when you start watching, you're like, Okay, you're really wealthy, white guy that's helping your friend out, and you're creating all of these events. But as the movie progressed, you start to see this deepening, this deepening of their friendship. Even though they've known each other for many, many years, there's something else at play. There's a vulnerability that's at play, and they're both taking chances in very different ways, but ultimately, they're walking through change together, and it's powerful. So this movie, for me, was about a couple of basic things, the importance of connection and how we so need it when we are going through stressful times, or just all the time, not just when we're stressed out. We build it during okay time, so that it's there when it's a stressful time.
Another thing the movie really hits on, obviously, is the critical aspect of allyship, and if we have privilege. Privilege. And we talked about privilege at the beginning of the show, whatever the privilege is, we can use it to help. But that's not without its risks, because in the in the movie we see, sometimes it can be really misguided. So it's like, what? What are we doing with our privilege? Right? But more than all of it, the for me, at least the movie was about how we have the potential to redefine our lives, even late in life, to redefine the constructs that keep us bound and sometimes tormented, to keep us from living life not taking chances. Tonight was about redefining sex, not just the acts themselves, but also exploring kink, moving through gender constraints in the bedroom. But this isn't just about sex. Trying different things and expanding sexually changes you entirely. We weren't talking about just basic technical things about how to give a better blow job, but if you're a hetero man trying to learn how to give a better blow job, that probably will change you. Changing is scary, and that's why most folks are resistant to it, especially in the beginning. But there is a sweetness and a depth on the other side, I believe, and the journey can be exciting and spark aliveness. There's a Joan Didion quote going around the social media platforms right now. She was a writer. It's long, but I'm just going to do the first part. I'm not telling you to make the world better, because I don't think progress is necessarily part of the package. I'm just telling you, to live in it, not just to endure it, not just to suffer it, not just to pass through it, but to live in it. Thank you, folks. I hope you are living in your life. Happy sixth birthday to wild and sublime, and have some cupcakes.
Karen Yates: [music, to listener] Well, that’s it. Folks, have a very pleasurable week.
Wild & Sublime is supported in part by our sublime supporter, Full Color Life therapy. Therapy for all of you at fullcolorlifetherapy.com Thank you for listening. Know someone who’s liked this episode? send it to them. And follow us on Facebook, Tiktok and Instagram @Wild and sublime, and sign up for newsletters@wildandsublime.com Got feedback or an inquiry? Contact us at info@wildinsublime.com and we’d love a review or a rating on your podcast player. I’d like to thank our design guru Jean Francois Gervais, music by David Ben Porat. This episode was produced and edited at the Lincoln Lodge podcast studio as part of the Lincoln Lodge Podcast Network.
